Surprise! I'm a single parent

This was the second week we’ve done shared cared – the part when I’m not actually caring for anyone else than me. Shared care is scary on so may levels:

–         will my babies be ok?

–         will he look after my babies?

–         will I be lonely?

–         will I look after myself if I’m not looking after other people?

What I learnt the first few weekends that he had the kids is that I feel down if I don’t have contact with other people. I’m not a very insightful navel gazer but I have learnt it’s important for me to make contact with another and do something otherwise I get grey thoughts.  I am a social creature.

The first weekend I was alone I felt alone. And once I felt lonely like that it was just so hard to ring up friends to see what they were doing. And by that stage it was last minute and hard to arrange things – every ‘rejection’ was hard and after maybe two I felt like I just couldn’t try anymore.

The next kid free weekend I prepared early and had a few things organised to do and then the rest of the time I had alone felt… great. And the kids came home and they were fine and dandy and apart from lost clothes and some things he used to do when he was living here anyway it was all ok. In fact having time with his kids seemed to have the very positive effect that their father was aware of the time and really was present with them.

When the time came to go to week on and week off I had skills to be alone and I was even feeling guilty about looking forward to it.

There is an international film festival on so Ive been able to get to an Iranian one: Persepolis . It was in French and I love French movies with subtitles. Actually I love subtitles cos I love the feeling of being able to follow a language and getting the benefit of hearing its difference sometimes sexy sounding like French and sometimes discordant or just different. Then I saw an Icelandic one. The unfamiliar language was great but this one was particularly interesting for its glimpse into the landscapes of Iceland both rural and urban. So different.

And the weather has been just turning it on with the wind getting stronger and stronger. Its lift the roof, lift up bushes, fly the dog like a kite, rock the car type stuff. Tomorrow the kids are home and we can all cuddle on the couch and watch TV and have a blobby weekend.

1.    Tracy 07.28.08 @ 3:46 am      

   I am about to start a life of sharing our children with their Dad on a week on week off arrangement.
   I am heartbroken, the thought of having my children only 26 weeks a year is unbearable. This is not what family life is about.
   But i have to put my feelings aside, so they do not see a heartbroken Mum, but a strong Mum who is happy that their Dad (finally) wants to be there for them on a regular basis. He is a good Dad, he has great communication skills, he isnt abusive or violent. He loves them immensley. So really i should be thankful that we have come to this agreement amicably……….. but i hurt so, i am so sad.
   I have friends that look forward to their week/weekend off?? I dont understand that.
   Having children meant, that I was to be with them ‘everyday’ until at least 18 not 7 and 11 ???
   Where is the joy, sitting at the breakfast table/dinner table on your own. Who will i ask about their day.
   I know that i am very sad way down deep in the pit of my soul.
   I know that everyday will be a little easier. I DONT want to get used to it though. It hurts so.